


What about love?

by manyscarletskies



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clalec bromance, Fighting, It all gets better in the end, M/M, Malec, sad thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manyscarletskies/pseuds/manyscarletskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus and Alec fight, and Alec goes back to the Institute thinking Magnus doesn't want him anymore. Clary finds him and knocks some sense into his thick skull, and together they bake some sorry cookies for Magnus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What about love?

**Author's Note:**

> So this prompt came from my lovely parabatai Thessa who I bet will scream upon seeing this. Enjoy!

“Well I don’t know, maybe it seems like you only care about parties and drinking!” Alec yelled, arms folded defensively as he used his height to his advantage, leaning over the fuming warlock. In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea, seeing as there were blue sparks leaping at random intervals from Magnus’ fingertips. “And you never tell me anything! I thought we’re a couple, Magnus! Couples tell each other things!” Alec couldn’t help himself from continuing, frustrated. Magnus often held meetings with people who Alec was never allowed to see, and that didn’t bother him (much), but yesterday he’d seen Magnus leaving the hotel Du Mort, and he just _knew_ that he’d been to see Camille.

“Couples usually don’t pry into the other’s business!” Magnus fired back, eyes flashing dangerously.

“Look, I know you’ve been to see Camille, so if you’d rather see her than me, that’s fine.” He snapped, jaw clenching not just in anger.

“I haven’t been to see her! But at least she knows when she’s not wanted!” Magnus retorted, stepping forward so that he was intruding in Alec’s personal space. Suddenly, Alec couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t wanted?

“Fine.” He said, voice cold and shoulders stiff.” Spinning on his heel, he made for the door, determined not to let anything show until he was at least outside. He knew it. He’d always had a sneaking suspicion that Magnus hadn’t wanted him, hadn’t cared enough about him. He wouldn’t even tell Alec how old he was! Grabbing his jacket, he ran down the stairs (silently hoping for a voice to call him back) and outside the building, barely making it five steps before he dropped to the floor as the tears began to fall.

Back inside the apartment, Magnus threw himself into a chair, glaring at the keys on the side table. He’d had them made earlier and had been planning to give one to his boyfri- Alec, to show that he always wanted Alec to be able to reach him. Magnus’ mouth twisted and he glanced carefully at his door. Had he just made a huge mistake?

* * *

 

Somehow, Alec made it back to the Institute. He wasn’t sure how. He’d spent hours wandering around Brooklyn, drowning in his thoughts. He’d always known he would mess this up, he messed _everything_ up, he wasn’t allowed to be truly happy.

It was dark outside, which gave Alec a sick sort of pleasure. At least the world reflected his feelings.

His eyes red, throat clogged, he opened the side-door and made his way inside, aiming straight for the training room. Someone blocked his way; without looking up he shoved past and into the thankfully empty room.

“Alec!” With a snarl, Alec slammed the door shut, scrabbling for his stele and drawing a shaky locking rune.

Finally alone, Alec slumped against the door. His legs buckled until he was seated, knees drawn up against his chest. Hands shaking, he curled his fingers into fists, and pushed them into his eyes, trying to hold back the tears by sheer pressure.

It didn’t work.

Breathing ragged, he ignored the frantic knocking on the door, struggling to not to scream, to sob, to _think_. At least his fears had been confirmed. He knew he wasn’t enough for the dazzling, perfect Magnus, and now the world was punishing him for ever thinking he was. He was awkward, unconfident, flawed (oh so flawed) and he deserved this.

He would never be enough.

Despite his best efforts, a choking sob broke free, and Alec couldn’t hold the rest back. Shoulders shaking, he buried his face into his knees and muffled his scream with a fist in his mouth. Biting down on his knuckles, he tasted blood. The sharp pain was a welcome change from the _emptiness_ in his chest, and he twisted abruptly to throw a hard punch at the wall supporting him. His fist rebounded with a dull thud.

Looking at his bloodied knuckles, Alec blinked, trying to clear the sudden fuzziness at the edges of his vision. Taken by surprise, he swayed and his eyes rolled back in his head as he crumpled to the floor.

The hammering on the door finally abated as someone kicked the door in. “Alec!”

* * *

 

_Magnus smiled softly as he trailed curious fingers down Alec’s bare chest. Alec couldn’t stop his muscles clenching under the gentle pressure, and Magnus’ smile widened. “You’re beautiful, Alexander.” Alec blushed, trying to look away, but Magnus reached up and gripped Alec’s chin. He said nothing more, just forcing Alec to look at him. In Magnus’ eyes, Alec saw pure adoration, and he began to relax, thinking maybe, just maybe, this was all right. Maybe he was enough for Magnus, with all his imperfections._

_A sharp pain in his chest made him try and look down, but Magnus still had his chin in an unbreakable grip. Alec brought his hands up and yanked Magnus’ hand away._

_Looking down, he couldn’t move. Magnus had dug his fingernails into Alec’s skin, drawing blood. “I don’t want you…” Magnus snarled, and when Alec looked back into his eyes, they were hard, unloving. “I never did.”_

_Alec screamed._

* * *

 

“Alec, wake up! Please, _hermano_ , you’re scaring me.”

Alec drifted in that state between wakefulness and sleep. He heard his sister’s voice, and struggled back to the light for her. He would always fight for her.

Blinking slowly, Alec tried to focus on the ceiling. There were angels painted on it.

“Alec, you’re awake! Jace, he’s awake!” Izzy yelled, and Alec winced as her voice aggravated the pounding in his head. He heard rushed footsteps, and a blonde head blocked his view of the angels.“Alec, by the Angel. What happened?” Alec closed his eyes again, expressing his displeasure at the conversation topic. “Alec, seriously. We found you passed out in the training room with a bloodied hand. What are we supposed to think?” Alec didn’t reply, wanting to fall back into that blissful state of not thinking.

“Alec, by the Angel. What happened?” Alec closed his eyes again, expressing his displeasure at the conversation topic. “Alec, seriously. We found you passed out in the training room with a bloodied hand. What are we supposed to think?” Alec didn’t reply, wanting to fall back into that blissful state of not thinking.

“Ok, everyone out.” He heard a calm, quiet voice order. He almost groaned. He was _not_ in the mood to talk to Clary.

“But-” He heard Jace trying to protest. There was a pause, and then the shuffling of feet. The bed he was currently occupying dipped as someone sat down. Alec kept his eyes closed, deliberately not acknowledging Clary’s presence. “Alright, I know you don’t want to talk about it. So I’ll talk instead, because despite however much you don’t like me, you need to hear this from someone who isn’t your sister or your _parabatai_. I’m going to guess this is all about Magnus-” Alec couldn’t stop his flinch, “because he’s the only one with the power to make you hurt like this. But Alec,” He felt a soft hand on his arm, “he loves you.

“I don’t know Magnus very well, but to be honest, you’d have to be blind to see the way he looks at you. He’s also not very good at hiding his feelings for you. Haven’t you noticed him watching you when you’re training?” Alec had. “So yeah, he definitely appreciates your looks, but that’s not what he loves. He loves _you_ , Alec. He loves your imperfections, your flaws, your cracks. He loves you on your good days, your bad days, the days you don’t want to get out of bed, the days you feel like flying. He always will.”

Alec finally opened his eyes, meeting Clary’s clear green gaze and pulled himself upright. Clary leant forward. “Whatever happened between you two, have you considered that he’s hurting too?” Alec looked away, throat working. He hadn’t. But Magnus seemed so perfect, so untouchable that Alec had never even considered that the warlock was in pain over their argument.

Alec suddenly frowned. It wasn’t any of his business, anyway. Magnus had probably run straight to _Camille_ for comfort. Seeing as she probably knew Magnus pretty well, she promised security for Magnus, whereas Alec could only offer danger and uncertainty.

“Alec.” The shadowhunter reluctantly looked back to Clary, who was also frowning. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop it. Unless you want to tell me about it…” She offered gently, not reacting to Alec’s narrowed eyes. Why would he tell this girl, this _barely a shadowhunter_ , about his problems? Why would she even think-

“He’s been seeing Camille.” Alec burst out, immediately annoyed at himself for doing so. “I know it. I’ve seen him leaving the hotel Du Mort…” He stopped when Clary laughed, throwing her head back. Alec folded his arms over his chest, hiding the wince as he moved his obviously broken hand. At least they hadn’t healed it. He could use the pain as a reminder.

“Alec, Camille is locked up in the basement. He’s probably been talking to Raphael. They’re good friends, you know. And they were both friends with Ragnor Fell. Maybe they were sharing stories of him.” Alec gaped. What? “You know, the warlock who helped my mum and-”

“I know who Ragnor Fell is.” Alec dismissed, biting the inside of his cheek. What if Magnus _had_ been talking to Raphael? That would mean Alec had seriously overreacted, and had started a fight for nothing… “But if that’s the case, then why didn’t Magnus just say so?” He asked, aware of how petulant he sounded.

“Did you give him a chance?” Clary asked in response, and Alec could feel himself flushing in shame. Of course he hadn’t. He’d messed everything up, as per usual. Clary, seeing he wasn’t going to respond, asked another question. “Do you still love him?” Alec’s eyed widened. Did he still love Magnus? Of course he did! Why would Clary even ask that? “Have you told him that recently?”

Alec began to reply, but the words caught in his throat. Had he actually ever said the words to Magnus? He wracked his brain, trying to think of a time when he’d said ‘I love you’ to his lover, his _soulmate_.

He couldn’t think of a single instance where he had.

“Oh no…” Alec’s head thumped against the wall. “I’ve fucked everything up…” Clary squeezed his arm reassuringly.

“Of course you haven’t. People fight all the time. It’s just the reconciling that’s hard.” Clary was smiling when Alec met her gaze. “Trust me, Jace and I fight all the time. We’re both so stubborn.” Clary looked wistfully at the door, where Alec was sure his siblings were lurking, eager to be allowed back in.

“Clary, I…” Alec began, struggling to express his gratitude for the small girl. He was still unconvinced that Magnus hadn’t been seeing Camille, but he was sure that it was his own stupid fault that had separated him and Magnus. But he saw in Clary’s smile that there was no need for his gratitude. She understood.

“Now for the hard part. If you love him-” Clary fixed him in place with a serious expression. “You never answered my question. You _do_ love him, don’t you? Because he’s my friend, and I don’t want to see him hur- 

“Of course I love him!” Alec said indignantly, frowning. At Clary’s blinding smile, he realised what he’d just admitted. “I mean, I…” He couldn’t take it back. Not when it was true. “No, you’re right. I do love him.”

“Good.” Clary stood up and began pacing, but Alec could see the delight in her eyes. “Now for the hard part.” She repeated. “You have to apologise, right? Even if it wasn’t your fault-”

“It was. It is.” Alec interrupted, eyes downcast again. Clary patted his foot as she went past.

“You should still make a big gesture to say sorry.” She continued.

“What does he like? Aside from glitter and parties and drinking, of course.” Alec swallowed as he heard repeated his words from his argument with Magnus.

“He likes to…” He had to clear his throat. “He likes cooking.” It was true. It had surprised Alec the first time he’d been treated to a home cooked dinner, especially when Magnus proudly announced that he’d done it all without magic. But when he watched Magnus cooking, and saw the carefree way in which he tossed the ingredients together, spinning around the kitchen while humming along to a tune only he could hear, he understood why Magnus did it.

“Perfect. You can bake him something.” Clary smirked. “Although, I wouldn’t let Izzy help.” Alec laughed, surprising himself. Clary’s eyes were proud.

“He likes cookies.” Alec said, voice small. He wasn’t sure how this was going to work. Clary rubbed her hands together.

“Great. Now, let’s get your hand healed and we can start straight away. It’s already been a day, you don’t want to leave him much longer.”

“A day?” Alec yelped. A whole day?

“Yeah. Jace and Izzy were pretty worried.” Alec stood up, holding onto the bedpost as he regained his balance. Seemed his balance rune didn’t help with light-headedness. “I was too.” Clary continued quietly. Alec looked up and saw Clary’s nervous smile.

“Look, Clary, I haven’t been the nicest person to you. And... I’m sorry.” He said, looking at his feet. “You’ve always helped me, and now you’re helping me with this… I feel like I don’t deserve it.” Clary was suddenly by his side, and put her arm through his.

“Is this what this is about? You not deserving things?” Alec didn’t look up; embarrassed that Clary could read him so easily. “Alec, you deserve the _world_.” There was a hand on his cheek, and he reluctantly looked at Clary as she stood on her tiptoes to reach his face. “You’re so loyal, and kind, and you can be a bit of a dick sometimes, but that’s okay, because you’re a lot better than Jace.” Alec chuckled sadly. “And I’m sure Magnus agrees.” Alec’s smile faded, but Clary tugged him from the room. “Cooking time!”

* * *

 

Heart pounding, Alec stood in front of Magnus’ door. The sign loomed in front of him.

BANE

Clary patted his shoulder. “It’s alright. I’ll take them in, alright? You just wait out here. I’ll text what’s happening, so you know.” Alec felt another rush of gratitude as he watched Clary reach up to press the doorbell. For a moment, there was silence.

“ _Who dares interrupt the High Warlock of Brooklyn?_ ” Magnus’ voice came through the intercom, and Clary laughed. Alec could hear how false Magnus sounded, and he folded his arms, as though in an attempt to stop his feelings from hurting. It didn’t work.

“It’s me, Magnus. Clary? I haven’t seen you in ages, I brought you a gift!” Clary grinned at Alec.

“I’m not feeling up to visitors at the moment, but if there’s a gift involved… come on up, biscuit.” The door unlocked, but Clary paused.

“And if you’ll notice, I never said who the gift was from.” She said with a wink before disappearing into the gloom of Magnus’ stairwell. Alec leant against the wall, unable to stop the tremors in his hands .

However, true to her word, only a few minutes after she’d disappeared there was a text from Clary.

_To: Alec L_  
_From: Clary F  
_ _How’re you holding up? I just gave Magnus the cookies, he hasn’t opened them yet :( I’m trying to get him to, but he seems distracted._

Alec felt the guilt flood through him. Magnus being distracted was his fault. But he was going to make it up to him, even if he got rejected time and time again, he would show Magnus how much he meant to him.

Even if Alec would never be worthy of him.

_To: Clary F_  
_From: Alec L  
_ _Please keep trying._

_To: Alec L_  
_From: Clary F  
_ _I am, don’t worry! And stop frowning ;)_

Alec couldn’t help the amused smile from replacing his frown. Seems Clary knew him pretty well, after all. When had that happened?

To his utter relief, Clary texted five minutes later that Magnus had finally opened the box of cookies Alec had spent half an hour agonising over. Alec knew he wasn’t good with words, so that’s why he had decided to pipe runes on the top of the sugar cookies Clary had helped him bake. There were only a few, as runes tended to be quite precise.

_Gift._

_Sorrow._

_Forgiveness._

_Love_.

And finally, Alec had piped the rune which bore the closest resemblance to his name on the last cookie, knowing Magnus would recognise it. He’d spent an afternoon with the warlock showing him various runes, but Magnus had been most interested in the naming ones. He’d been delighted when Alec showed him his personal rune, and had traced it several times onto some paper until he could write it with his eyes closed.

Alec felt traitorous tears forming in his eyes, and rubbed them away. What was with him and crying lately?

His phone buzzed again.

_To: Alec L_  
_From: Clary F  
_ _You can come up._

Alec had his heart in his mouth as he ascended the stairs towards Magnus’ apartment. This was so different from last time, when he’d come storming up, looking for a fight. What a fight he’d received.

The door was open, and Alec slowly walked in to see both Magnus and Clary on their feet, Magnus with the cookie box in his hands. Clary immediately made for him, putting a hand on his arm.

“I’ll be nearby if you need me.” She said quietly, before moving past him and through the open door. Suddenly alone with Magnus, Alec felt his grip on his emotions begin to weaken.

There was silence for an unbearably long time before Alec finally gained the courage to speak. “I’m sorry.” He said, every part of his body begging for him to look down but he resisted, gazing straight at the warlock across the room. “I jumped to conclusions, I should’ve let you explain. I’m entirely in the wrong, and I apologise.” Now, Alec bowed his head, waiting for Magnus’ verdict. He would leave if Magnus asked him to, without question. He knew he didn’t belong in this glittery world of his, and was grateful that he spent even a short part of his life in it-

Magnus suddenly strode over to Alec, standing directly before him. The warlock drew a single cookie out of the box, and held it up to Alec.

“What is this?” He asked quietly, and Alec looked at the rune.

“Love.” He whispered back, not hesitating. He was done being afraid of his feelings, even if they weren’t returned.

With a jerk, Magnus dropped the box and pulled Alec close. Their lips crushed together, a tangle of teeth, messy and hard but Alec didn’t care. He wound a hand into Magnus’ hair, holding him close. Magnus responded by slipping his fingers underneath Alec’s shirt, tracing something on the bare skin of his back.

When Alec recognised the rune for his name, he pulled back, gasping for breath. Magnus stayed close, fingers tracing the rune over and over again.

“Magnus, I… I’m sorry, I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve this, I ruined everything, I can’t do anything right, I’m-” Magnus effectively shut him up with another kiss, but this one was soft and gentle.

“You’re forgiven, Alexander. You’re always forgiven. I should’ve told you where I was going, and I’m sorry I haven’t shown you how much you mean to me.” Magnus apologised himself, and Alec’s jaw gaped.

“No- Magnus, what are you talking about? You’re so good to me, and I’ve given you nothing but pain in response.” Alec replied, never wanting Magnus to look so sad again. Magnus pulled back, and Alec let him, knowing he would never get him back-

Magnus bent down and presented Alec with the box of now-broken cookies. “If you give me only pain, what’s this?” The warlock asked with a smirk. Alec frowned.

“Cookies.” He said, confused. Magnus rolled his eyes, taking Alec’s hand and pulling him further into the room. They sat on the sofa, side by side, hand in hand.

“Alexander, I am 400 years old. I have lived in many places, but my favourites are London, Paris and now, Brooklyn, as it is where I have found a Shadowhunter who I believe to be my soulmate.” Alec’s eyes were wide. “I have been banned from Peru, I have ridden in a hot air balloon with Marie Antoinette, I have met several generations of Herondales who are all as stubborn as the last, I have-”

“Magnus, what are you doing?” Alec asked. Magnus gave a small smile.

“Telling you about my past.” Alec took a moment to let that sink in, before he was kissing Magnus again. He wasn’t sure why Magnus felt the need to do this when it was all Alec’s fault, but he didn’t care and he loved him for it.

Alec pulled back. He loved Magnus.

“As much as I enjoyed that, may I ask what it was for?” Magnus asked with a (slightly fake) smirk. Alec saw right through him.

“I love you too.” Alec said, looking straight into Magnus’ glamoured brown eyes. When the warlock didn’t say anything, Alec began to panic. Was it too soon? Did Magnus not feel the same? Did-

“I never said I love you.” Magnus said, showing his straight white teeth as he laughed. Alec was mortified. He couldn’t believe he’d messed up telling someone he loved them. He couldn’t stop himself from burying his face into Magnus’ shoulder, ignoring its shaking as Magnus continued to chuckle. “It’s alright, Alexander. I love you, as well.” Alec felt his eyes water, and silently cursed himself. He could _not_  seem to get a grip on himself. “Hey, it’s okay.” Magnus gently prised Alec’s face from his shoulder. Magnus brought his free hand up to grab the shorter hairs at the base of Alec’s neck, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you.” Magnus kissed his lips, barely there. “I love you. I love you.” Magnus punctuated this with kisses to every part of Alec’s face he could reach. Alec felt like a drowning man.

“I love you.” He gasped back, pressing his forehead against Magnus’ as hard as he could. “I don’t deserve you, I’m sorry…”

“You deserve everything, Alexander. Much more than I can give you…” It struck Alec again that he hadn’t been the only one suffering during their separation. There was so much he had to learn, but he knew he had to be more conscious of Magnus’ feelings if this was going to work.

“Are we good?” Alec whispered nervously. “I’m sorry for accusing you of things you didn’t do. Clary explained to me how you were probably just visiting Raphael.”

“She’s right, I was.” Magnus nuzzled his nose against Alec’s. “I’m sorry for implying I didn’t want you. I’ll always want you, Alexander. I love you.” He continued, obviously giddy with happiness that they’d finally both said it.

“I love you too.” Alec knew he would never not say it back. He was never going to make his warlock sad again.

* * *

 

Later, when they’d eaten the cookies and both exclaimed how terrible they were - it seemed neither him nor Clary had any skill at cooking - and Magnus had sworn to give them both cooking lessons, Magnus and Alec were curled up in Magnus’ bed, whispering soft nothings to one another. Alec confessed how he always felt like he wasn’t gold enough for Magnus, and the resulting kiss had been enough to dispel that thought from his head (for now, at least). In return, Magnus had admitted that he always feared Alec would walk away from him, just as so many of his past lovers had. Alec felt his heart cry out in protest at the mere mention of leaving Magnus again, and so he wrapped the warlock up in his arms and hadn’t let go since.

They spent the rest of the day talking and laughing, and after Alec had answered Clary’s slightly frantic phone call ( _what happened? You’re okay, right?)_ and told her that he wouldn’t be coming back to the Institute that night, the couple lay together, Magnus tracing Alec’s name rune onto Alec’s chest, just above his heart.

“I love you.” Alec said, pressing a soft kiss onto Magnus’ head. He felt Magnus smile.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Buy Me a Coffee?](https://ko-fi.com/M4M59HF1)


End file.
